Congestion charge
Fri May 16 08:58AM
Chelsea will be denied an open-top bus parade on Thursday if they win the Champions League as the council believe it will cause massive traffic jams.
A Hammersmith and Fulham councillor said: "Holding a parade on Thursday evening is not an option considering that it would bring a large part of west London to a standstill in rush hour." So no change from a normal morning, then.
The council want Chelsea to do it at the weekend or on Bank Holiday Monday, but it seems the club can't be bothered, particularly as most of their players will have scarpered on international duty.
The Blues are predictably peeved, and are considering taking the matter to the desk of London's new fop-haired Mayor who, having successfully located the paper clips after a fortnight in the job, is now ready to make some big decisions.
As a man who perpetrated this tackle on former Germany international Maurizio Gaudino, Boris Johnson clearly possesses a sound grasp of the game's finer points, and will surely view Chelsea's plight sympathetically.
Early Doors doesn't like to disclose too much personal information about itself, lest it gives a useful lead to the several international intelligence services on its tail.
But it does recall a time when it received a letter through its door, complete with a nifty little map, advising local residents of Arsenal's Champions League victory parade.
Amid much self-congratulatory rescheduling of bin collections, closing of roads and erecting of barriers, the council almost forgot to mention that Gunners might in fact lose the game. Which they duly did.
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There is probably a reason why the FA Cup final build-up has focused more on the teams' suits than their football ability.
And who is Early Doors to buck a trend? For the record, Pompey's garb was designed by a Welshman - sheet metal-worker's son Jeff Banks.
After David James's cream Armani fiasco for Liverpool's Spice Boys in 1996, Sol Campbell was handed suit selection duties, a sound choice given his interest in fashion and interior designer girlfriend.
Campbell's squeeze Fiona Barratt is no ordinary WAG, and has risked the wrath of Abi, Coleen, Posh and the girls with these comments about getting on the team bus at the 2006 World Cup.
"I didn't care and got on the bus with my Financial Times and my sudoku. The nonentity WAGs had to walk out first. The higher the profile, the later they were," she said.
"Of course, Queen Bee Victoria came out last, there being at least 10 or 15 minutes before she appeared, and her hair and make-up team were all in the lobby."
Banks praised Campbell's "conservatism" in opting for a navy pinstripe design. If you want a sober, non-flashy suit, Early Doors would suggest ditching the big-name designer and taking a trip to Marks & Spencer's.
This is exactly what Cardiff did for their semi-final trip to Wembley, but they have now ditched M&S in favour of local tailors Woodies Emporium.
Meanwhile, organisers have chosen to inflict not one but two sopranos on us, with the addition of Katherine Jenkins to sing 'Land of my Fathers' in Welsh while the loathsome Lesley Garrett performs God Save the Queen.
Excuse Early Doors if it seems a little pedantic here, but what is the point? God Save the Queen is the national anthem of Great Britain which, the last time Early Doors checked, covers Wales.
If Colin Jackson hadn't kept knocking those flipping hurdles over, it would have been the British anthem playing at the Olympics.
ED doesn't care whether the anthem is sung in English, Welsh or Norwegian, and it certainly has no beef with Welsh involvement in the 'English' FA Cup. The point is this: it hates opera singers and now it has to listen to two of them.
- - -
TRANSFER TALK: Roman Abramovich is set to open his wallet for his first acquisition of the summer - Amy Winehouse. Roman's girlfriend Daria Zhukova wants the pharmaceutical-friendly singer to perform at the opening of an art gallery in Moscow and will pay her £1 million for the privilege.
FOREIGN VIEW: Appropriately enough for the day before Calamity James takes on Peter Enckelman in the Cup final, there is news of a goalkeeping blunder in South America.
Claudio Bieler capitalised on San Lorenzo goalkeeper's Agustin Orion ball-juggling blunder to grab a 1-1 draw for Ecuadorean champions LDU in the first leg of their Copa Libertadores quarter-final.
San Lorenzo defender Gaston Aguirre passed the ball back to Orion, who flicked it up and juggled with it but then lost control, which allowed LDU's Bieler to touch it into the goal.
BUMPER TALKING POINT: The UEFA Cup final might have been everything we expected and less, but the chaotic scenes in Manchester during and after the game at least sparked a lively debate among the message board faithful.
Good job the Early Doors doesn't come complete with 20 pints of Skol Super and a malfunctioning TV screen, otherwise we could have had a riot of our own.
kevmun82: "Well, now the majority of England and Manchester in particular know why Rangers are so hated up here. Result didn't go your way? Smash the place up. Big Screen TV not working? Smash the place up. No dodgy refereeing decisions to blame the result on? Smash the place up. Not being allowed to smash the place up by Riot Police? Smash the place up and then claim there was no provocation whatsoever from yourselves, that the Police were just barbaric and treated you like animals. Thanks a bunch, you worked really hard to keep up the stereotype of the 'Boozed-up Jock spoiling for a fight' and managed to set us back yet again."
t.nutkins: "40 arrests out of 100,000? Doesn't sound like a riot to me. Sounds like a few pissed up idiots, and of course no other club in the world has these types of 'fans' does it? I think any fans from any club would be p'd off if they went to celebrate their team in a European cup final and then couldn't watch the match on the big screen provided thanks to a technical hitch. Try blaming the council for cocking up the entire day and not being able to handle so many supporters, even though they openly invited every Rangers fan to Manchester for a festival atmosphere."
not_blonde_really: "I was in Manchester city centre last night, and it was absolutely fine. There was a lady who clearly had nothing to do with the football walking her pram through the hoards, and she was loving the sense of camaraderie. I believe the arrests were largely at the stadium, which shows it's got nothing to do with fans without tickets, and incidents involving 0.0004% of the people there should not reflect on the rest of the fans."
Others attempted an impromptu caption competition, or more accurately a 'describe what the photo looks like' competition.
samuelbanks: "The man in the picture reminds me of one of those dads dancing badly at a wedding."
mpasc66: "I know that Phill Jupitus is an obnoxious unfunny p***k, but I'm not sure he deserves the beating he's getting in the photo above - then again, maybe he does."
garethcoletranslations: "Looks like the old guy in the picture has just felt the full force of his fourth kebab with some major follow-through action. The guy in the riot gear on the left is inspecting the damage, while the one on the right is just shielding himself against any aftershocks."
Meanwhile, did somebody just compare Avram Grant to Sir Alf Ramsey? Yes, it's pete.mccrory1: "So Avram Grant is the quiet man ED. I can't remember any bon mots credited to Sir Alf in '66 but he did all right. I know you weren't born then but that is no excuse."
No, no bon mots from Mr Ramsey at all. Other than guaranteeing that England would win the World Cup, calling Argentina 'animals', and his pre-extra time team-talk in the final: "You've beaten them once. Now go out and bloody beat them again." And let's not forget Sir Alf also once said: "There is great harmonium in the dressing room."
COMING UP: It's a welcome day of rest for our million Premier League preview monkeys sat at a million typewriters. Settle instead for some Cup final build-up and League One playoff action this evening.
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From barny1158 on Fri May 16 09:07PMYeah, its all left me a bit short fused again.That Paula, honestly-I just snapped im afraid.She seems to know an awful lot about me.I think shes a serial stalker. My granny used to teach the man that died in the motor cycling accident.He is from a very famous motorcycling family in Northern Ireland.I don't think you would have heard of him though.I used to be a student Barney-Party night is every night my girl.But im shattered tonight.
From samuelbanks on Fri May 16 09:22PMIt just seems to be three of us late on at night. Does this mean that everybody works the same way by opening several internet windows and following the blog during their working day? I wonder if the Paula person is in breach of her workplace code of practice.
I thought Early Doors took its name from a sitcom and Ed was the Brit equivalent of that postman character in Cheers who was full of irrelvant information.
Now I'm going to adjust some info I've got out the web to prevent annoying e-mails from abusers.
From james_ssmith on Fri May 16 09:37PMHi James
Do you know where the term early doors originated from?From samuelbanks on Fri May 16 09:44PMI believe that Early Doors is an expression for going to the pub earlier than normal. I guess recently we've been blogging 'After Hours'.
From james_ssmith on Fri May 16 10:30PMThe people in the picture are Ranger's fans who have travelled to Stamford Bridge for their teams Champion's League match against Chelsea. The fans in the picture are on their way into the ground when they hear of a riot-taking place in Leicester Square. The fans are seen trying to hijack a double-decker bus in a desperate bid to join the riot. The bus driver is told to drive to Leicester Square or he will receive a vicious beating. When the bus driver refuses to take the fans to Leicester Square (informing him that he is en route to waterloo) they pelt the bus with stones and bottles, leaving him for dead.
From samuelbanks on Fri May 16 10:37PMI thought Early doors was a term made up by Ron Atkinson.He has his own language-its called Ronglish.
From samuelbanks on Fri May 16 10:39PMNot yet, but I found this by a much better poet.
Epitaph for James Smith - Robert Burns
LAMENT him, Mauchline husbands a’,
He aften did assist ye;
For had ye staid hale weeks awa,
Your wives they ne’er had miss’d ye.Ye Mauchline bairns, as on ye press,
To school in bands thegither,
O tread ye lightly on his grass,—
Perhaps he was your father!From james_ssmith on Fri May 16 10:41PMwhat was that about james?
From samuelbanks on Fri May 16 10:44PMJames
I do not read the mails by said abuser/abusers, on this site cos I realised some time ago that sick vile people are STILL ALLOWED to post on here, spreading their perverted sick trash to the amusement of some. ?This is a football blog, and these sick dare I call them 'people' need help... I only know whats going on from reading others post as I scroll over the trash. I don't give a sh_t what these @#$% say about me cos I don't read theirs. They are the ana-s of our society and are just not worth the time....you have to pity the disturbed toss--s and ignore their vindictive and twisted natures. Responding gives them the attention they are so clearly seeking , as to post such vile crap in the first place....As for ED and lack of action over the said abusive posts .... makes me wonder at times......From barny1158 on Fri May 16 10:46PMRoman's first acquisition of the summer was the ranch in Colorado
From alihatefi on Fri May 16 11:03PMSamuelbanks, I think the point of Early Doors, given the original sitcom, is to wander as far away from the point as possible and then back again. I've just tested how quickly it would be to trace me from the information I've let slip on this blog. Answer: faster than the runs after a vindaloo curry plus this epitaph by Burns showed up. I like to put unlike things in unlikely places and see what response I get. Who do you fancy for the cup: Cardiff?
From james_ssmith on Fri May 16 11:17PMHello James, I did a quick search on your name to find some of your stuff, but after the poem you quoted by Burns and some guerilla poet from Ireland I gave up. Probably had something to do with the fact I was working! The Internet is a wonderful thing, shame some people have to spoil it.
I am not very excited by the cup to be honest, although hopefully the atmosphere will pick up before the game. I think Portsmouth have really let themselves down a bit in recent weeks. It is all very well focussing on the single most important match in eons, but if it means they have forgotten how to play in the mean time then tomorrow will be a much more level affair. I bet Cardiff come out much hungrier, I am sure the pride of playing for Wales will come into it as well.
From garethcoletranslations on Fri May 16 11:45PMSamuelbanks, you sad little wnaker, a motorcycle cannot stall at 200 m.p.h.
But its 125c.c. engine can seize at 160 m.p.h.
If you cannot get this simple fact right, how much more of your self obsessed drivel has any relevance ?
Play up Pompey !!!!!!!!!!!!!
From nikyates on Sat May 17 10:16AMhello samule, long time, my exams are killing me
From umar2050 on Sat May 17 10:17AMpaulathompson15,
i love u, will u marry me pleaseFrom umar2050 on Sat May 17 10:24AMUmar
Hope your exams are going well for you. ... Samuelbanks, I have a sneaking suspicion that Cardiff will score in the cup final today... not sure they will win, but they will score....From barny1158 on Sat May 17 11:36AMEurosport-publishing-editor
If thats indeed who you are, maybe she's employed by you to boost the ratings? The Alex Chick thing at the end of the post makes me wonder...Maybe you are the multiple personality formerly known as Denham/Paula? God knows who next? Or maybe you are related? Glad 'she' amuses you , if you are indeed who you claim to be, I will be amazed, especially as you appear to be condoning the trash,....Still the seasons nearly over,and there must be some sites that actually do deal with abusers....From barny1158 on Sat May 17 11:56AME_P_S your comment has actually made me angry. If you think I'm going to stop contributing entries to this blog merely because some affectless sociopath responds with totally unfunny abuse, then think again. Only a completely, gutless non-person would think that silence is the way to deal with trouble. And, by the way, please find out the difference between 'effective' and 'affective', you semi-literate moron.
From james_ssmith on Sat May 17 02:04PMGarethcole, I'm flattered you tried a search. Try adding 'poet' to your search terms if you have the inclination.
At the moment I'm hoping that Serb TV prefers the cup final to Nole Djokovic's tennis semi-final with the Spanish knickerbocker glory.From james_ssmith on Sat May 17 02:20PMHahahahah nicky, nicky nicky norman yates
What do you know about it you sad little twat? Are you a retard or what. A motorbike can do pretty much anything, especially if its a souped up production bike, (if the engine fails the bike stalls, end of-the rider is then sent flying over the handle bars) you jackass. If you cannot get this simple fact right, how much more of your self obsessed drivel has any relevance ? There is a family greiving for their loss and all you can do is worry about what speed he was going.200mph/160mph, who gives a shit little girl.You're paula thompson under a different name! Are you not? By the way, stalling and engine seizure are the same thing-you just made a dick of yourself live on ED. I hope your're proud of yourself.From samuelbanks on Sat May 17 02:27PMNole is on the "Sportklub" channel leading 3-2. So roll on the Final. Samuelbanks, I think likes us to make dicks of ourselves. Ed's line manager is primarily interested in hits on the blog not in the morals of those who write in it. The more dickishness, the more people tune in for a cheal laugh. This is why maybe the EPS-denham-thompson matrix is just a ploy. Barny will tell me I'm an old cynic, but Ed is a journalist and journalists have no morals. But 25 minutes to go for some old-style gfootballing grief and glory.
From james_ssmith on Sat May 17 02:37PMIs the Eurosport Publishing Editor capable of speaking such jibberish? In my opinion, when it comes to the art of talking crap, Paula thompson is in a league of her own.(Unrivalled). Having said that, i think nicky yates is catching up fast. No, maybe we should give ED the benefit of the doubt. Although i must say, the 'Report Abuse' footer is absolutely laughable.
From samuelbanks on Sat May 17 03:02PMOh my God Paula thompson and Nicky yates are the same person. Its obvious. Look at comment number 134-any phrase ring a bell-'self obsessed'. It's definetely the same person. And look what else she did-remember Paula Yates (famous person)-Paulathompson/nicky yates-it's all making sense now.
From samuelbanks on Sat May 17 03:29PMsorry its nic yates-im just confused now. Are you supposed to be a he or a she?
From samuelbanks on Sat May 17 03:32PMThat was the dullest FA Cup final i have seen....in... since last year.There's nothing i hate more than boring one nillers. I hope to goodness the Champions League final provides us with more of a spectacle. It probably won't though.Chelsea versus Man United games are notoriously dull. But we live in hope.Umar mate you don't want to marry Paula.It would be worse than a life sentence in Guantanamo Bay.
From samuelbanks on Sat May 17 05:20PMAffective-in the sense that her comments have the power to upset people?
From samuelbanks on Sat May 17 05:33PMSamuelwanks when you grow up and mummy lets you take the stabilisers off your tricycle you may learn a little about how the internal combustion engine works.
Until then keep your sad hairy assed Oirish thicko comments to yourself.
" Souped up production bike ", you fcuking cnut it was a racing bike!!
Retreat to your fantasy world of multiple injuries and take up self " harming for a hobby.
Stop bullying people whose views differ from yours and learn to spell, definitely.
I could go on but you are obviously the slow kid from special needs and you would'nt understand and I don't care.
Speaking as an outsider, what do you think of the human race ?From nikyates on Sat May 17 06:34PMWhat is Cristiano Ronaldo playing at? One minute he's happy at United, the next he's off to Real Madrid. Talk about being an ungrateful ******. Just what is going on inside that ridiculous head of his? You are getting paid a hundred grand a week to play for the biggest club in the world, and you suddenly decide you want to leave. Why? i beg you. The answer is simple; he wants more, more, more.The dirty, self centred, arrogant bastard.
From samuelbanks on Sat May 17 06:45PMHahah, you are so misinformed about this racing business. A production bike is a racing bike, hahahahah. I thought you knew something about this racing stuff.Woops, seems that you don't. And i know you are actually Paula in disguise, so wise up.(the fcuk jibe is a bit of a give away) And when have little girls known anything about motorsport. You don't even know what a race bike is. And he wasn't racing a 125cc it was a 250cc-So get it right little girl.I really am ripping you to shreds Paula yates. Answer me this: Do you know anything about motor racing, or were you just trying to be smart? Im not 'orish' by the way. People don't talk like that in the North of Ireland. Only in the south. The 'orish' comment just proves how much of a misinformed idiot you are. As for the spelling mistakes, who gives a shit? Atleast i can string a sentence together.
From samuelbanks on Sat May 17 07:19PM
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