Congestion charge
Fri May 16 08:58AM
Chelsea will be denied an open-top bus parade on Thursday if they win the Champions League as the council believe it will cause massive traffic jams.
A Hammersmith and Fulham councillor said: "Holding a parade on Thursday evening is not an option considering that it would bring a large part of west London to a standstill in rush hour." So no change from a normal morning, then.
The council want Chelsea to do it at the weekend or on Bank Holiday Monday, but it seems the club can't be bothered, particularly as most of their players will have scarpered on international duty.
The Blues are predictably peeved, and are considering taking the matter to the desk of London's new fop-haired Mayor who, having successfully located the paper clips after a fortnight in the job, is now ready to make some big decisions.
As a man who perpetrated this tackle on former Germany international Maurizio Gaudino, Boris Johnson clearly possesses a sound grasp of the game's finer points, and will surely view Chelsea's plight sympathetically.
Early Doors doesn't like to disclose too much personal information about itself, lest it gives a useful lead to the several international intelligence services on its tail.
But it does recall a time when it received a letter through its door, complete with a nifty little map, advising local residents of Arsenal's Champions League victory parade.
Amid much self-congratulatory rescheduling of bin collections, closing of roads and erecting of barriers, the council almost forgot to mention that Gunners might in fact lose the game. Which they duly did.
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There is probably a reason why the FA Cup final build-up has focused more on the teams' suits than their football ability.
And who is Early Doors to buck a trend? For the record, Pompey's garb was designed by a Welshman - sheet metal-worker's son Jeff Banks.
After David James's cream Armani fiasco for Liverpool's Spice Boys in 1996, Sol Campbell was handed suit selection duties, a sound choice given his interest in fashion and interior designer girlfriend.
Campbell's squeeze Fiona Barratt is no ordinary WAG, and has risked the wrath of Abi, Coleen, Posh and the girls with these comments about getting on the team bus at the 2006 World Cup.
"I didn't care and got on the bus with my Financial Times and my sudoku. The nonentity WAGs had to walk out first. The higher the profile, the later they were," she said.
"Of course, Queen Bee Victoria came out last, there being at least 10 or 15 minutes before she appeared, and her hair and make-up team were all in the lobby."
Banks praised Campbell's "conservatism" in opting for a navy pinstripe design. If you want a sober, non-flashy suit, Early Doors would suggest ditching the big-name designer and taking a trip to Marks & Spencer's.
This is exactly what Cardiff did for their semi-final trip to Wembley, but they have now ditched M&S in favour of local tailors Woodies Emporium.
Meanwhile, organisers have chosen to inflict not one but two sopranos on us, with the addition of Katherine Jenkins to sing 'Land of my Fathers' in Welsh while the loathsome Lesley Garrett performs God Save the Queen.
Excuse Early Doors if it seems a little pedantic here, but what is the point? God Save the Queen is the national anthem of Great Britain which, the last time Early Doors checked, covers Wales.
If Colin Jackson hadn't kept knocking those flipping hurdles over, it would have been the British anthem playing at the Olympics.
ED doesn't care whether the anthem is sung in English, Welsh or Norwegian, and it certainly has no beef with Welsh involvement in the 'English' FA Cup. The point is this: it hates opera singers and now it has to listen to two of them.
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TRANSFER TALK: Roman Abramovich is set to open his wallet for his first acquisition of the summer - Amy Winehouse. Roman's girlfriend Daria Zhukova wants the pharmaceutical-friendly singer to perform at the opening of an art gallery in Moscow and will pay her £1 million for the privilege.
FOREIGN VIEW: Appropriately enough for the day before Calamity James takes on Peter Enckelman in the Cup final, there is news of a goalkeeping blunder in South America.
Claudio Bieler capitalised on San Lorenzo goalkeeper's Agustin Orion ball-juggling blunder to grab a 1-1 draw for Ecuadorean champions LDU in the first leg of their Copa Libertadores quarter-final.
San Lorenzo defender Gaston Aguirre passed the ball back to Orion, who flicked it up and juggled with it but then lost control, which allowed LDU's Bieler to touch it into the goal.
BUMPER TALKING POINT: The UEFA Cup final might have been everything we expected and less, but the chaotic scenes in Manchester during and after the game at least sparked a lively debate among the message board faithful.
Good job the Early Doors doesn't come complete with 20 pints of Skol Super and a malfunctioning TV screen, otherwise we could have had a riot of our own.
kevmun82: "Well, now the majority of England and Manchester in particular know why Rangers are so hated up here. Result didn't go your way? Smash the place up. Big Screen TV not working? Smash the place up. No dodgy refereeing decisions to blame the result on? Smash the place up. Not being allowed to smash the place up by Riot Police? Smash the place up and then claim there was no provocation whatsoever from yourselves, that the Police were just barbaric and treated you like animals. Thanks a bunch, you worked really hard to keep up the stereotype of the 'Boozed-up Jock spoiling for a fight' and managed to set us back yet again."
t.nutkins: "40 arrests out of 100,000? Doesn't sound like a riot to me. Sounds like a few pissed up idiots, and of course no other club in the world has these types of 'fans' does it? I think any fans from any club would be p'd off if they went to celebrate their team in a European cup final and then couldn't watch the match on the big screen provided thanks to a technical hitch. Try blaming the council for cocking up the entire day and not being able to handle so many supporters, even though they openly invited every Rangers fan to Manchester for a festival atmosphere."
not_blonde_really: "I was in Manchester city centre last night, and it was absolutely fine. There was a lady who clearly had nothing to do with the football walking her pram through the hoards, and she was loving the sense of camaraderie. I believe the arrests were largely at the stadium, which shows it's got nothing to do with fans without tickets, and incidents involving 0.0004% of the people there should not reflect on the rest of the fans."
Others attempted an impromptu caption competition, or more accurately a 'describe what the photo looks like' competition.
samuelbanks: "The man in the picture reminds me of one of those dads dancing badly at a wedding."
mpasc66: "I know that Phill Jupitus is an obnoxious unfunny p***k, but I'm not sure he deserves the beating he's getting in the photo above - then again, maybe he does."
garethcoletranslations: "Looks like the old guy in the picture has just felt the full force of his fourth kebab with some major follow-through action. The guy in the riot gear on the left is inspecting the damage, while the one on the right is just shielding himself against any aftershocks."
Meanwhile, did somebody just compare Avram Grant to Sir Alf Ramsey? Yes, it's pete.mccrory1: "So Avram Grant is the quiet man ED. I can't remember any bon mots credited to Sir Alf in '66 but he did all right. I know you weren't born then but that is no excuse."
No, no bon mots from Mr Ramsey at all. Other than guaranteeing that England would win the World Cup, calling Argentina 'animals', and his pre-extra time team-talk in the final: "You've beaten them once. Now go out and bloody beat them again." And let's not forget Sir Alf also once said: "There is great harmonium in the dressing room."
COMING UP: It's a welcome day of rest for our million Premier League preview monkeys sat at a million typewriters. Settle instead for some Cup final build-up and League One playoff action this evening.
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IM this storywot do u call a man with a seagull on his head?
cliff
From marcgrant7 on Fri May 16 02:17PMDid someone mention the exorcist earlier? Read paulathompson15's posts and imagine her tied to a bed spewing vomit witha 360o turning head whilst laughing manically and ranting...it fits perfectly... By the power of Christ we compell you paulathomson15
From davybroo on Fri May 16 02:18PMlike it Kev and Marc...
From davybroo on Fri May 16 02:19PMThanks Davybroo, I'm not the only one who thinks that then
From g_hine on Fri May 16 02:25PMHow many Rehab Counsellors does it take to change a lightbulb?
That's not important, the lightbulb's got to WANT to change first.
From kevmun82 on Fri May 16 02:27PMHow many Realists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. Just one. That's it.
From kevmun82 on Fri May 16 02:46PMHow many Surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Fish.
From kevmun82 on Fri May 16 02:52PMYaaaaawn. Ha! I'm not the kinda girl that gets all choked over stuff, so you're gonna have to try harder!!! hahaha!! Davybroo, your mother sucks c o c k s in hell. She'll never forgive you. hahaha!!!
Don't be so soft, boys. Go-on now, won't you have a laugh with yer tea? it's only a bleedin blog!!! Haha - although it seems for some of you sad fcukers it's your whole life!!! ahahaha!!
From paulathompson15 on Fri May 16 02:57PMA man walks into a bar. Ouch
From not_blonde_really on Fri May 16 02:58PMDo you hear the one about the magic tractor? It went down the road and turned into a field
From not_blonde_really on Fri May 16 02:58PMright up for a laugh Paula...try saying something funny.
p.s. how do you know my mum?From davybroo on Fri May 16 02:59PMOops, that's "DID you hear the one about the magic tractor? It went down the road and turned into a field" not do. It's my favourite joke in the world, I got too excited about it and typed too fast. And wrongly.
From not_blonde_really on Fri May 16 03:01PMHear about the gay magician?
Disappeared with a poof!
And no, i'm not homophobic, before the PC brigade launch a tirade.
From kevmun82 on Fri May 16 03:05PM"How do you know my Mum?"
I thought you'd seen Exorcist!!! hahahaha!!! what a dick hahaha!!
From paulathompson15 on Fri May 16 03:14PMright...I'm outa here. long weekend and the sunshine bekon. thanks for the gags folks. Paula...keep taking the tablets, but no double dropping in the future...
From davybroo on Fri May 16 03:14PMAs a self-confessed member of the PC brigade, you needn't worry Kevmun. I found that relatively amusing
From g_hine on Fri May 16 03:16PMPaula - your post makes no sense. defo no reason for you to be laughing like a mentalist. Seriously...
From davybroo on Fri May 16 03:25PMYou may mock poor Paula, but it took me all freaking day to figure out it was PAULAthompson and not Paul.A.Thompson or somesuch.
I felt like I was completely out of the loop, lost and alone in a friendless world.
Or, more likely I was completely freaking bored out of my mind. BRING ON THE WEEKEND!
From p_tolomy on Fri May 16 03:37PMkeep on diggin! If you'd seen Exorcist you'd know, you muppet hahahaha!!!
From paulathompson15 on Fri May 16 03:44PMHave you been electronically tagged, Paula?
From james_ssmith on Fri May 16 03:56PMsounds like she needs an ASBO
From g_hine on Fri May 16 03:59PMhahaha!! im finding this quality!!
paulathompson15 is tearing this place up!!
were u in manchester the other night?!From marcgrant7 on Fri May 16 04:03PMahhh you two are back!!! dumber and dumbest - been for a quickie have you, loverboys? hahaha!! do you really think anything you two sad fcukers can possibly think of would upset me?!!! hahaha!! what a pair of dicks!!! come on then, stop mincing around put some effort in hahaha!!!
From paulathompson15 on Fri May 16 04:03PMPaula
just shut it for once. What age r u? And don't reply with your usual 'hahaha fckin @#$%, ahh @#$% suckers, keep tellin all yourselves that the one who hates you bla bal' nonsense. Wise up u retard.Learn to write.Have you any idea how pathetic you sound little girl.I am embarassed for you.We all are.You stand no chance with me. But give it your best shot you prik.
From samuelbanks on Fri May 16 04:08PMWhilst I probably wouldn't put it so succinctly, well said there Sammy!
From g_hine on Fri May 16 04:11PMnow its heating up!!
just give me a big huge wooden spoon!!
samuelbanks, i agree, although i find it really funny, its getting a bit personal. She certainly has alot of hate in her!!From marcgrant7 on Fri May 16 04:15PMPaula would you be so kind to taste my fat 3" pork sausage? I can put some pineapple with it to make it taste that little bit better for you?
From the_kop2003 on Fri May 16 04:16PMNo chance then, Paula, of becoming my next muse?
From james_ssmith on Fri May 16 04:18PMWoohooo!! little Sammy has found some balls! Shame you've only got an imaginary girlfriend to use them with!! hahahaha!!! just how are you gonna make me shut up, you thick Irish @#$%? hahaha!!! watch out, g-heinz want to show you his baked beans hahahaha!!! "Sammy, you were wonderful, so materful - I think I love you" HAHAHA!!! you guys!
From paulathompson15 on Fri May 16 04:19PMoh the Heinz beanz jibe... Ouch. I feel like I'm six again
From g_hine on Fri May 16 04:25PM
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