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Mon May 12 08:52AM
Early Doors thoroughly enjoyed its Sunday afternoon. Due to skin so prone to burning the slightest exposure to sunlight could provoke spontaneous human combustion, it stayed indoors, engrossed in 'The Jewel of the Nile' on ITV.
ED loved the on-screen chemistry between Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner, and laughed out loud at the comic interjections of Danny De Vito.
All the while there was a nagging feeling that ED was missing something... or maybe it was just the sense of yearning with which director Lewis Teague infused the film.
At 10 to five, as the final strains of Billy Ocean's 'When the Going Gets Tough, The Tough Get Going' faded from the battered old black-and-white set, it flicked through the sports channels hoping to catch up with the Champions League handball.
Instead of burly Schleswig-Holsteiners hurling a Shoot 5 at each other, Early Doors was instead confronted by hordes of weeping topless men.
Troublingly, Early Doors was slightly turned on by all those pierced nipples, smudged tattoos and rippling pink bellies, and watched on - only to discover it had only gone and missed the last day of the MOST EXCITING SEASON EVER!!!
It felt almost as stupid as Gerard Pique, who stepped up to receive his Premier League winner's medal before realising he was one appearance short of qualifying and skulked off, medal-less, to assume the David May "who's that bloke?" pose in all the photos.
- - -
Chelsea keeper Petr Cech looked like he had got lost on the way to a motorway maintenance-themed fancy dress party, given his striking resemblance to a traffic cone.
His retina-scorching fluorescent orange get-up, topped as always by that ridiculous scrum cap, meant you could hardly miss him.
John Terry certainly didn't (appropriately enough for a man with a speeding fine to his name), dislocating his elbow on the giant Czech's knee and getting stretchered off in agony.
Say what you like about Terry and his Tourette's-fuelled rants, but he does possess remarkable powers of recovery.
Like the Bionic Man or that silvery thing from Terminator, it seems he can absorb any kick to the face, distended arm or broken bone and continue unaffected after the briefest dab of a magic sponge.
To quote 1980s hard man par excellence Ray Wilkins, he is a "proper bloke".
- - -
Showers in the north-west ensured Alex Ferguson looked far from his best as Manchester United wrapped up the title.
There was no sign of the usual smart club blazer as Fergie and the whole United coaching staff donned bright white nuclear fallout suits.
It seemed like an over-reaction to a bit of drizzle, but clearly Wigan has more of an acid rain problem than Early Doors gave it credit for.
And on a day of sartorial mayhem, Early Doors couldn't help but notice Steve Bruce forgot his kit altogether.
If ED had done such a thing in its schooldays, it would have been forced to continue wearing only its threadbare y-fronts.
Mercifully for everybody, the Wigan boss came out in a t-shirt bearing the initials 'AC'. Early Doors has just ferreted around the Wigan website, and believes Brucey raided the kit bag of physio Alex Cribley.
- - -
Manchester City went into yesterday's game at Middlesbrough knowing a place in Europe was theirs for the taking, irrespective of the result, thanks to their position in the Fair Play league.
They could even lose 8-1 and everything would be OK. So, job done then? Er, no.
When you are chasing a place at the top of the Fair Play league, you can show all the defensive resilience of wartime Italy but you can't get your captain sent off for a professional foul, which is what happened to Richard Dunne on 14 minutes.
A smidgen of crowd trouble at full-time cannot have impressed the suit at UEFA in charge of doling out gold stars either.
City face an anxious wait to see if Fulham have pipped them to that relegation-ensuring berth in Europe's penultimate club competition.
Given Thaksin Shinawatra's volatile nature, the moments after an 8-1 defeat hardly seemed like the right time for Sven-Goran Eriksson to be issuing ultimatums.
Yet the Swede, apparently anxious to collect his P45 and a large sack of used twenties, demanded showdown talks "within hours" of yesterday's debacle.
Should Thaksin oblige, Eriksson's reign will fizzle out in familiar fashion; a promising start fading into crushing mediocrity.
The fact that his final game was against Gareth Southgate, the man who described him as 'Iain Duncan Smith' after the 2002 World Cup, proved the final indignity.
An unsuccessful pursuit of Big Phil Scolari and subsequent reluctant appointment of Steve McClaren will follow in short order.
- - -
QUOTE OF THE DAY 1: "As far as I am concerned, this has been a near-death experience," Birmingham City chairman David Gold. As far as anyone else is concerned, it is getting sworn at by some disgruntled Brummies.
QUOTE OF THE DAY 2: "The fans who say we're not fit to wear the shirt are right," Paul Jewell delivers the final verdict on record-breaking Derby. "We've everything in place at this club except the team." Tell me I'm sweating...
QUOTE OF THE DAY 3: "If Everton can finish fifth, why can't we? We have a bigger stadium and more fans, but they all play for each other and that's the spirit we don't have." Kevin Keegan gives plucky minnows Everton the 'my dad's better than your dad' treatment.
QUOTE OF THE DAY 4: "We have finished 15th in the table and I have to say we are probably the 15th best team. Manchester United have been the best and the three worst teams have gone down." Roy Keane, you old romantic.
ACRONYM OF THE DAY: Early Doors was shocked and appalled to learn that 'ED' is also used as a convenient abbreviation for Erectile Dysfunction. Which could mean an end to those Pele gags.
GESTURE OF THE DAY: Earlier this season it emerged that Didier Drogba has made a habit of sneaking into the Chelsea shop and buying shirts with his name on, hoping to make him the 'most popular' player at the club.
Well, Drogba was well and truly trounced by Olof Mellberg, who bought replica shirts for all 3,000 of Aston Villa's travelling fans at West Ham. That's £150,000 worth of official merchandise. Early Doors can't decide whether it is a wonderfully generous or staggeringly egotistical act.
FOREIGN VIEW: Marco Materazzi has apologised for taking and missing a penalty in Internazionale's 2-2 draw against Siena yesterday. The panto villain wrestled the ball off Julio Cruz before shooting tamely at Alex Manninger. "I'm sorry, I should have let Julio take it," Materazzi said, although coach Roberto Mancini countered: "Maybe Cruz would have missed too." Inter's Serie A lead is down to a point with one game remaining.
COMING UP: Our final Team of the Week is in the pipeline, and the much-anticipated Team of the Season. Plus there is a bumper edition of Winners and Losers. And get your dinner jacket and revolving bow tie ready - tomorrow Early Doors is a special end-of-season awards spectacular!
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IM this storyGLORY GLORY MAN UTD!!!
MOSCOW IS GONNA BE WICKED!!!
From jpaes28 on Mon May 12 08:54AMTodays ED is as predictable as yesterday's EPL results (with the exception of Boro v City). Well done MUFC - before the rest get going they won the most games and had the most points! No I am not a supporter - just a realist. Let us all not forget Rangers on Wednesday night! Good luck to both MUFC and CFC in the CL final - give us a game to be proud of please.
From geelte on Mon May 12 09:14AMu guys just did it again. Proved to be as boring as ever. Bravo to United, my hungover is dedicated to the red devils
From atokoi2002 on Mon May 12 09:18AMED - you watch the games yesterday ? I'm not convinced. Your column has got so boring you should go and report on the Sudoko Championships or something similar.
From hktonyw on Mon May 12 09:24AMNot even going to congratulate the Boro? Not even after the abuse you have given all season? No? Guess not! Does end of the season mean that ED swans off to somewhere hot for 3 months? Fingers crossed eh! Well done Man Utd, I look forward to the CL final, great for the premier league (nearly said English football but am sure their is an arguement in there somewhere).
From amarzy on Mon May 12 09:24AMpique must feel a rite boaby
From georgemartinesz on Mon May 12 09:31AMAnother great p***take ED. If people want to read about Man Ure and whisky-nose Fergiemoan why don't they just read today's papers?
From robbowebbo on Mon May 12 09:46AMwell done man utd
great end to the season, enjoyed every minute of it!
just a word on the state of referee's in scotland, wot is the point in turning up to games when you have no chance of winning due to cowardly cheating refs? Mike McCurry? its time for foreign refs to take charge of games, i cant see another solution. Mike McCurry cheated blatantly 3 times in saturdays match and nothing will be done. Craig Levien will be fined for telling the truth. Same old cheating SPL, this game is a disgrace
From marcgrant7 on Mon May 12 09:53AMNo caption competition? But on Cech's supposed superhuman goalkeeping skills now being unquestionably quashed by one accident with Terry it probably means that "He's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty boy!"
From jjss.rm on Mon May 12 10:01AMAnd no, before some asshole makes the comment, the AC on Steve Bruce's top does not show his unwavering support for Alex Chick. Please get over it.
From jjss.rm on Mon May 12 10:02AMGLORY GLORY MAN UNITED..
From jarharnamme on Mon May 12 10:06AMI get the feeling Cech thinks he's a Rugger-Bu99er. What with the scrum cap, the bruising tackle on Terry and also the fact that the picture above looks like he's involved in a line-out. When's he going to start wearing a gum-shield?
From g_hine on Mon May 12 10:07AMDo you think the whole Chelsea team like a bit of rugny then?
Drogba falling to the ground everytime he has the ball and gets tackled.
Shevchenko trying to hit it over the bar at every opportunity.
Ashley Cole just trying to pick a fight with anybody.
The list goes on...From jjss.rm on Mon May 12 10:15AMI see Mr.Abramovich made an appearance at the Bridge yesterday after well publicised absence (not sure just how long he hasn't been attending.) Correct me if I am wrong Chelski fans, but am I right in assuming that as Chelski have already won the league twice, is it not the Champions League that Roman covets more than the premiership? Not saying for one minute that had you won the prem, he would not have been delighted, but I have the impression that CL means more this year. What do you all think?
Again , I will congratulate Man U just in case it was missed yesterday, well done, exciting finish to the season, but I would have hated to be a fan of those teams fighting relegation to the death yesterday. All those sad faces, commiserations to them. Didn't like the way MOTD covered the seasons end yesterday, they might have thought themselves innovative, but left me exhausted with their to and fro commentary on the games, and the same old cliched opinions afterwards, turned them off in the end. Oh well, back to work....
From barny1158 on Mon May 12 10:17AMDid ANYONE at all see my favourite team Stockport County score an amazing equalizer against Wycombe? None of my so-called mates bothered to watch. Did I just imagine it?
From bullocj_uk on Mon May 12 10:27AMBarney, RE MOTD,
I agree. I also think that they should have covered the relegation battles first. Followed by a round up of the nothing games and finally gone to the climax with the Chelsea v Bolton penultimately and Wigan v Man U last.
But as I am not a telly producer, what do I knowFrom g_hine on Mon May 12 10:29AMRE MOTD, I believe they try and do the amtches in the same way that they would be given importance in the newspaper the following day so I would expect an order of something like Chelsea, Man Utd, Birmingham, Reading, Fulham (chosen like this to build tension as if you have Man U first the Chelsea game becomes irrelevant) then Boro for high scoring then the others most likely starting with Everton for the Uefa spot. Was I close?
From jjss.rm on Mon May 12 10:36AMI would like to join Barny and congratulate the ManU fans. Well done!!! But don't get too relaxed
We will give you a fight next year and with CL still looming, we could share the spoils
Blue is the colour!!!From al_pachino666 on Mon May 12 10:39AMchelsea r the best so we will be the champions of the world
From farrelly08 on Mon May 12 10:45AMfor a moment there al_pachino666, i actually thought you were a Liverpool fan. With the whole "don't get too relaxed We will give you a fight next year" talk. How many times have we heard that from Spurs and 'Pool fans.
From tibury1172001 on Mon May 12 10:46AMBooooooooooooooooooooo! Man U. I hate the end of season n eveyone talkin ther crap n summing it up. Barney is right bout match of the day with there opinions after it.
Man u gettin a cheating ref to win the league, how predictable. Also the wee prick Ronaldo gettin the penalty which helped me lose the fantasy football league I was takin part in. lost by 35 points cause yahoo kept tellin me players were playin so I put them in ma team n turns out they werent. Good day all round really. At least Motherwell got into Europe. Rangers had to cheat though, for a change. There's ma rant done. Chelsea for Cl though Id hope. big players injured for it for a wee change though.
From sav46e on Mon May 12 10:49AMTo tibury1172001
When was the last time Liv and Spurs won back to back titles? Carling Cups and FA cup?? Hm, remind me please......From al_pachino666 on Mon May 12 10:52AMAt least we found the cleverest one in you eurosport_publishing_supervisor
From al_pachino666 on Mon May 12 11:09AMIt's the end of another season thank god Let look forward to king Cricket and Nottinghamshire to win the title Yours John
From hamerjohn61 on Mon May 12 11:10AMMan United will never beat Chelsea in Moscow! Roman will make sure it feels like home for his team out there.
From alzer3 on Mon May 12 11:15AMHere's to next season and world domination by the mighty Spurs until we sell Berbatov, spunk away £20million on a 17 year old Albanian whizz kid who gets shipped out on loan to Southend never to be heard of again, then lose the first game of the season to a 93rd minute penalty by Stoke. The circle of life.
From mpasc66 on Mon May 12 11:34AMED-im getting seriously worried about you.Some of your writing is terrible.If you find yourself struggling to understand a sentence-it is usually because it isn't very good. What is this? 'At 10 to five, as the final strains of Billy Ocean's 'When the Going Gets Tough, The Tough Get Going' faded from the battered old black-and-white set, it flicked through the sports channels hoping to catch up with the Champions League handball.
Instead of burly Schleswig-Holsteiners hurling a Shoot 5 at each other, Early Doors was instead confronted by hordes of weeping topless men.'
Thats just jibberish.You don't need all this flowery language.Why are you talking about Jewel of the Nile?. Guys i think you're great-but cut out the metaphorical jargon.Theres too much of it crammed into a sentence. And why bother asking us to enter into a photo competition if your not going to accknowlege our answers.Some days you name check comments-other days you don't.Keep it consistent. 205 comments over the weekend-and did you mention it-not a bit of it.I doubt you'll ever reach that landmark again.
For an end of the season article that was pretty pathetic.Does anyone else agree with me? Whats going on guys?
From samuelbanks on Mon May 12 11:41AMsav46e,
like how u mentioned rangers cheatin, again. at least someone else can see it. it seems as if its getting overlooked in the media, typical old firm bias. craig levien was bang on in his assesment of mccurry 'the bottler'. we need the other managers to get behind levien an put an end to this cheating nonsense. goal disallowed (went in off old man weir), stonewall penalty refused (which would of led to weir getting sent off), fat cousin headbutts wilkie, shock, mccurry bottles it again!! joke!! like levien says, its a big game for rangers, we cant have dundee united winning it. it makes me sick.
congratulations to motherwell btw, but it should have went to the final game.From marcgrant7 on Mon May 12 11:53AMLike Man City, I think ED was thinking of where to go on holiday instead of doing their job properly. Although the traffic cone gag cracked me up
From double_t_uk2002 on Mon May 12 11:57AMMatch of The Day is my favourite programme on tv. But boy does it irritate me. Some of the decisions made by the Match of the Day Editor are absolutely horrendous.The editor should be sacked and replaced by Alex Chick. The Chelsea game should have been shown first-then the United game. What is all this interchanging about? The best game is always shown first on Match of the Day-there is nothing wrong with that. But i believe they should keep the best game until last in order to hold the audience for the duration of the programme .I find the programme starts to wade after the first few games are shown.They need to buck up their ideas..
From samuelbanks on Mon May 12 12:01PM
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