Better late than never?
Tue Mar 11 08:58AM
The more astute among you may have noticed that Early Doors wasn't particularly verbose first thing this morning.
The reason, sadly, is nothing more exciting than rank lateness.
And as Eurosport is a French-owned firm, the company Tardy Slip is a masterpiece of bureaucracy, spanning six distinct sections over 53 pages. Early Doors was only two minutes late but spent the best part of an hour filling in the form.
It thought about concocting an elaborate excuse; a fist-fight with a stray cougar or a detour to save an old lady's possessions from a burning building.
It even considered blaming the weather in the following scenario; a tree blew over and hit it flush on the head, stunning it and causing a John Darwen-style bout of amnesia. Early Doors then spent an hour or so canoeing in the North Sea before coming to its senses and going to work.
Another alternative was to pass off the shoddy service as a new feature - Early Doors LIVE!! - written as you read it!!
Sadly, Early Doors quickly realised it doesn't have the wit to live a lie, and decided a full and frank disclosure was the only way it could live with itself. It overslept. OK? Sorry.
- - -
Speaking of being late, that may well be how Xabi Alonso's girlfriend found out she was pregnant with the Liverpool midfielder's sprog.
Now, with Xabi's little bundle of joy set to drop at any time, he has stayed bedside in England while his team-mates travel to Italy to take on Internazionale.
A slight peeved Rafa Benitez said: "I can't wait and wait for one player right until the end when you don't know what's going on."
Honestly, what is it with these namby-pamby footballers and their lame excuses for missing games, eh?
One minute they are out with minor stomach complaints and ankle tweaks, the next they are wanting to be at the birth of their child.
Whatever next? Time off for a heart-bypass operation or the funeral of a close relative?
Early Doors is of the old-school mould, and would prefer a return to the days when fathers-to-be sat in a waiting room, reading magazines about tobacco pipes and lawn mowers, spared from the gory horrors of childbirth.
Xabi should be allowed do his duty in the Champions League before returning home to be presented with his progeny once it has been cleaned of all mucus and umbilical cords and fitted with one of those mini sailor suits.
- - -
Over in the world of Formula One, Williams co-head-honcho Patrick Head has proposed an ingenious/stupid (delete as applicable) scheme that would see the qualifying grid reversed to put the fastest drivers at the back.
Head did not say how much his proposal was influenced by Williams's transformation from serial title-winners into mid-table also-rans, but he insisted: "the right guy would still win the championship".
Early Doors favours any changes to a sport in which a man can become world champion without actually overtaking anybody, and feels a similar system could be used in football.
Derby should kick off the season with a 30-point head start, while Middlesbrough would start two goals up in any FA Cup tie against lower-league opposition (that's right, Early Doors could have taken a shot at Chelsea but still decided to mock Boro).
- - -
LOGIC BYPASS OF THE DAY: "Players don't change overnight. I am still the same player I was five years ago." Michael Owen must be related to Sleeping Beauty if he thinks half a decade counts as 'overnight'.
FOREIGN VIEW: Marca claims exclusively that former Real Madrid coach and Asterix character Vicente del Bosque will take over as Spain manager after Euro 2008.
DEBATE OF THE DAY: Aside from the copious Boro-bashing, an unlikely source of support for whingeing Fergie came from jmrics: "Until refs are made accountable and video technology is introduced, nothing will change. I'm a Gooner but I completely understand, and agree with, Fergie's rant. It's 2008, every other sport has state of the art technology, why do we have to make do with men with whistles and flags?" If men with whistles and flags are good enough for 19th century motor vehicles, surely they are good enough for modern-day football?
Today's debate: Any amusing tales of tardiness (football-related if possible) would make Early Doors feel better about its own abject failure.
DISS OF THE DAY: Early Doors's lateness means it can include two up-to-the-minute bits of banter. The sharp-as-a-tack lee_rome asks: "Has Liam Miller joined the team?"
Meanwhile simondenham poses some probing questions about the living arrangements of Early Doors's various guises: "Wait. I'm confused. ED has a picture of three blokes with fixed 'airline host grins' - 'Milk and sugar, Sir?' - slapped all over its homepage, yet today it is collectively late. You all live and travel together?" You really don't want to know...
COMING UP: Liverpool, sans Alonso, attempt to finish off Inter in the Giuseppe Meazza from 7.45pm. You can also follow live scoring from the night's glut of championship fixtures.
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IM this storyhas liam miller joined the team?
From lee_rome on Tue Mar 11 09:12AMPart timers!
From ashman_ashy_ash on Tue Mar 11 09:15AMWait. I'm confused. ED has a picture of three blokes with fixed 'airline host grins' - "Milk and sugar, Sir?" - slapped all over it's homepage, yet today it is collectively late. You all live and travel together? You were all out on the lash and all overslept? ...or a whopping Steve Wright style coincidence - Altogether now, one more time "It would seem so, yes".
No matter. From the writing style delivered above, the important one made it in, albeit late.
From simondenham on Tue Mar 11 09:20AMED you know how to make me smile, keep 'em rolling mate!
From kudachisepo2000 on Tue Mar 11 09:33AMDon't worry about it too much ED, we're all allowed a little slip up from time to time. Back in my chef days, i once turned up for a 6.30am shift at 2pm. Never be allowed to forget that one either, as the date was September 11, 2001. I think my brain subconsciously knew what was about to unfold and made me sleep late to protect me from facing the full horror of the atrocity that shocked the world.
Either that or i was really lazy and had been out the night before. Probably the former though.
Liked your amnesia comment though, reminds me of the time when a Scottish player playing under the great John Lambie knocked his head on the pitch and was taken off for treatment. When John was told the player didn't know who he was, John replied "Well, tell him he's f***ing Pele and get him back on" Brilliant.
From kevmun82 on Tue Mar 11 09:50AMOnly a two goal head start for Boro???
Please make it three ... just to be safe
From ilough on Tue Mar 11 09:54AMHAHAH quality! It must be National Oversleeping Day today (NOD for short), as i was battered and never woke up this morning either.
ED comes up with the goods once again, just in time for my arrival at work hehe!
From neo_booie on Tue Mar 11 09:55AMChance for a gripe.
Why don’t managers and TV pundits just read the Laws of the Game and they wouldn’t make such fools of themselves. Download them from the FA’s site.
A player is sent off if he denies an obvious goal-scoring opportunity to an opponent. Nothing about how many players on the goal line. Baros had a clear goal-scoring opportunity.
An indirect free kick is awarded if a player impedes the progress of an opponent.
If Distin committed a foul, it was not a penalty but an indirect free kick.
A direct free kick is awarded if a player handles the ball deliberately.
No mention here of ‘gaining an advantage so it must be a penalty’
The offence which occurred when Cardiff scored was not hand ball but a foul throw.From keircheetham on Tue Mar 11 10:04AMkevmun82 and ilough you are sure giving this day a lighter moment!
From kudachisepo2000 on Tue Mar 11 10:10AMAt least you were only 2 minutes late, boro players dont show up until about 90 minutes into their cup games, and newcastle players havent shown up in 7 games!
From manofdann on Tue Mar 11 10:13AMI recall Liam Miller showed up late at The Riverside last Sept to grab an equaliser. Ahhhhhh, Boro bashing - this season's sport of choice.
From simondenham on Tue Mar 11 10:26AMWhere's Alfonso Alves the Great Poacher??? Southgate's dumber than the clowns that thought one Kezman would light up the league with goals ala eredivisie!!!!
From crazy_pee_jay on Tue Mar 11 10:56AMAny truth in the rumour about the team in the Caribbean which flew from one island to another over the Bermuda Triangle for a game and were lost until they turned up three years later still thinking they were on time?
From james_ssmith on Tue Mar 11 10:58AMToday's debate is just asking for more Boro-bashing. Like the time the whole team failed to show up with the excuse they didn't have enough players! League docked them three points, those three points costing them their status in the premier league! A few seasons back that was. Anyone know exaclty?
From eliotot on Tue Mar 11 12:27PMED, you guys are rank amateurs when it comes to lateness. Try living in the Middle East and having to deal with any government department. If they are actually turn up at all, they turn up around 9 (for a 7.30 start) and clock off around midday (for a 1.30 finish). Time spent in the office "working" consists mainly of sitting around with your mates on sofas drinking sickly sweet tea with no milk, or coffee that is so thick and strong you can stand a spoon up in it, and smoking such foul smelling tabs that you would think they are made of dog sh1te. The managers don't give a damn as they are all out running their private businesses while collecting their civil service pay, or alternatively are at their civil service jobs making sure they collect all of the bribes due to them. You will all be thinking that this is a total wind up, but believe me it is frighteningly true. British slackers have a lot to learn from their Middle Eastern brothers, believe me!
From andywalker269 on Tue Mar 11 12:35PMwhat the heck is keircheetham@btopenworld.com talking about? And here i was, thinking Graham Poll had retired.
From tibury1172001 on Tue Mar 11 12:48PMAndy Walker, I worked and lived eight years in the Middle East and usually people were on time. In Egypt European customs apply, in Saudi Arabia meetings could be late, but that is part of the culture. In Britain starting slightly late is part of the culture and saudis conform when they are visiting Britain. I've never seen a Middle Eastern football match start late. You can adapt and enjoy or stay in your compound damaging your brain with 'siddiqi'. By the way, with your attitude are you ever going to get the better of a business deal in the Middle East? They win it all the time with golden goals in extra time. (This is a metaphor.)
From james_ssmith on Tue Mar 11 12:56PMI'd say ED's photo looks less Airline Host-ish and more "Forced Photograph at 8am after a heavy night out" -ish. The one on the left looks the most natural for sure, although it does look like he's trying to convince us "I'm bald through choice, honest".
Sorry ED that was probably uncalled for. But if don't expect a ribbing when you're late for work. what do you expect?
From kevmun82 on Tue Mar 11 01:06PMI know it is beating a dead horse, but Steve McClaren is such an easy target. He was extremely late in figuring out how to use England's best...oh, wait; he never showed up to the ball despite his Cinderella dress/jacket and umbrella against Croatia. Let's hope Capello fits in the glass slipper. (Yes, even obscure tangents on Cinderella are more football related than ED is on most days.)
From mrsims150 on Tue Mar 11 01:42PMInteresting observations james_ssmith. You obviously haven't lived in Kuwait! I worked in Dubai for one year and not a single meeting in that year started on time, and Kuwait you can sometimes be thankful it has started in the hour it was called! I don't live in a compound and didn't in Dubai either so I think I have a slightly wider perspective than you might think. If by "my attitude" you are talking about my "tell it like it is" approach, I would be extremely naive if I expressed such views in such terms in important business or social situations. Having a rant on ED does not qualify as important at all, never mind in a business or social sense
From andywalker269 on Tue Mar 11 01:52PMeliotot - 1997 that was ... mind you we managed to get to 2 finals that year ( Lost both naturally)
Misunderstanding between FA and Kieth Lamb ( he though they said it was OK , they didn't)
Frivolus really
From ilough on Tue Mar 11 03:48PMWhat's with this.
From ccw12 on Tue Mar 11 04:47PMyawn did i miss anything, fergie always whines like a cat with its tail trapped in a door when any team beats em wenger [whinger]just the same .as for f1 ferarri would do qualifying in a fiat panda then get their other one out 4 the race
From coe606 on Tue Mar 11 04:47PMSurely Benjani oversleeping at the airport and nearly missing the deadline transfer has to be one of the worst lol
From double_t_uk2002 on Tue Mar 11 09:51PM
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