The segment in Harry Hill's TV Burp where the host plucks two obscure characters from our television screens and screams "fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight" has perhaps become an overused reference point in recent years.
Rather than Ronaldo launching a custard pie into the face of Messi, or Messi smashing Ronaldo over the head with an oversized mallet though, this would be a completely different sort of fight. A fight where they use ammo - supplied by Squawka statistics, of course - to try to outdo each other.
Ronaldo, who's not averse to showing a hint of arrogance, would presumably start the chaos. "Just the eight league goals for me this season," he might taunt his Argentinian counterpart, who would presumably reply with something about how he's also managed eight league goals so far this season despite his injury problems. He'd have a point too -imagine if he'd been let loose against Real Valladolid.
Enraged by the Portuguese international, Messi, who by now has built up a head of steam, might continue. "Yeah, but how many shots did you need, tio?" That snide comment would have been born on the back of Ronaldo's trigger-happy attitude to the old saying that 'if you don't buy a ticket, you won't win the lottery.'
From there it could get petty. With three assists the Barcelona forward has laid on one more than his Madrid enemy this season. He's also completed 32 take-ons in the league; Ronaldo's record is 18, with a 51% take-on success.
If Messi wanted to go there though, Ronaldo would be inclined to mention one of his strengths: his ability in the air. Madrid's No. 7 has has won 20 of 30 aerial battles this season, while Barca's No. 10 doesn't, for obvious reasons, like to get involved in the same sort of duels. The Argentinian has not won a single header in the league so far.
At this point things might spiral out of control. Ronaldo's La Liga passing accuracy of 78 per cent might make him a laughing stock to Messi and his chums in the Camp Nou dressing room, as Messi has a pass accuracy of 84 per cent.
Things are far too complicated now, custard is all over the walls and Harry Hill's lost his glasses amid all the chaos. Thankfully there's a Clasico around the corner to solve things once and for all. Or at least until the next one. Fiiiight.